you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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