I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
