I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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