Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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