I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
