Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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