i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
