in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?