there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i out mim tonsoeep
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
