I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
