I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
