rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision