i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos