12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.