Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on