I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you never un-have a 4some
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
