just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
