I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My brain says no but my pants say off.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
