I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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