i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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