I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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