I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
