I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
