So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
