this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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