It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
