I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
