Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
