I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
