you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize