Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
