omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
