You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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