I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
