The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
being pregnant is like rehab
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
