why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
