Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
