I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
