if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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