I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
