Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
