getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
