tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
