allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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