I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
