I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
