party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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