do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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