Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
