Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
