The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
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I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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