She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
