They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We left an ass print on the piano.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
