Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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