he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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