The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
