I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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