The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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