he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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