Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
