you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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