I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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