If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
