I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I want is dick and wine.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
