dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
