All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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