It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
