I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
