I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
